Not Johnny
by Lip Balm
Summary: POTC characters are sucked into present time, causing chaos and savory destruction. Enter Elise, a woman like Anamaria. Chaotic, really. They must get back into their own time. Jack must get his pearl. Will must save Elizabeth. Only a matter of leavrage..
1. The Beginning

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Mm. Another Pirates story, mates. Got…Depp? 

Lip Balm

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The atmosphere inside the shabby restaurant was stuffy and rather hot. People of all ages were seated on what appeared to look like the a bar and a row of creaky stools. I sat at the far end of a crook, staring into a hallway, which had numerous fluorescent signs advertising different sorts of alcohol. The air smelled of fish, beer and people who have not taken a bath since at least a month. Dining at a place such as this wasn't exactly my idea of a classic meet up.

Of course the person I was planning to meet didn't show up at all. In fact, I was being the opposite of what I would normally be doing. Which is, leaving if the person was late even for a few minutes. But despite of the terrible odor, the stuffy atmosphere, the rowdy and drunken men, the small condition of the tables, the dirt covered floor and the roach infested restrooms…something told me to stay put. 

"What'll it be, hun," said a nasally voice from next to me. I looked up and saw a blonde haired lady with far too much make up, holding a notepad which looked as if it were overflowing with telephone numbers and wads of gum. Wrinkles cascaded down her face and she was wearing a short skirt that obviously had the waist band pulled up to her stomach. This lady had stopped at my table at least 5 times during the last hour. 

"I believe I told you already…Beatrice," I said, glancing at the worn, golden nametag below her right shoulder. "I am waiting for someone, and I am not leaving any time soon."

"Suit yourself," Beatrice snapped, running fingers through her long hair. "But I have people waiting to be seated." She pointed a skinny finger towards a large round window, where a numerous amount of frustrated looking people queued in front of a large rope. A sign next to it read, _Please wait to be seated_. And it had a large yellow smiling face underneath those words, along with globs of gum and profane words written in sharpie. 

I waited for another hour, not for the person who I was supposed to meet up with. But more of because the mood inside the restaurant was getting far more comfortable by the minute. A few men slept openly on the ground, kicking into the air as they dreamed. Like dogs.

I wasn't expecting anything terrible to happen, while I sat in the far crook, staring into a hallway which had numerous florescent signs advertising different sorts of alcohol. I wasn't expecting anything great to occur either, while people of all ages sat on what appeared to look like a bar and a row of creaky stools. I wasn't expecting anything memorable to come about in this shabby restaurant, which was stuffy and rather hot. And smelled of fish, beer and people who had not taken a bath since at least a month.

I got up from my corner, edging carefully around a man who had freely laid himself down on the floor with a thud. Sighing slightly, I walked across a smoke filled room, almost grieving that I had to leave such a place that strangely meant a lot to me, even if I had only been sitting in it, doing absolutely nothing for the past few hours. 

I wasn't expecting anything to happen at all. I just knew that it was time to leave, and that it had gotten far too late. The sky outside was already completely dark and freckled with an infinite number of stars. 

I reached the door and swung it wide open. In walked Captain Jack Sparrow.

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Review. :] 


	2. The Misunderstanding

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Review. :D Please? I'll give you a cookie. NO. TEN MILLION CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW SHAPED COOKIES. You can't turn down a deal like that, eh?

Lip Balm 

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I watched him pass by me, boots clunking loudly in the now empty, filth covered hallway illuminated by a number of incandescent light bulbs. Yes, it was him alright. Johnny Depp had decided to pay a visit to a local diner of filthy, smelly people and half decent alcohol. Why he was dressed up as his most successful character was a mystery to me, and probably none of my business. _After all, it WAS Johnny Depp that wrapped rubber bands around his tongue to get fired from 21 Jump Street. _

Abruptly, Johnny stopped in front of the large rope, that had the smiley face sign standing next to it. Looking up questioningly at the fluorescent lights, he squinted and poked it cautiously, creating it to swing back and forth on the metal chain it was hanging quite loosely from, as ir cast all sorts of shadows down the hallway. A puzzled look occupied his face for a moment, and he turned slightly to meet my gaze.

"Anamaria?" He asked incredulously, gazing towards my direction.

I turned around swiftly, looking to my left and right and seeing if he was addressing one of his friends inside the hallway. But no one was there. In fact, the entire corridor was bare empty, and his question bounced off the walls. It took me a while to realize that he was addressing a character from _Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl._

"Do ye have any idea in where the bloody hell we are?" Johnny inquired, pointing a long finger towards the electric light bulbs. "And where's Gibbs…Cotton. Mr. Cotton's parrot?" 

Surely this was some sort of joke that was keyed in by famous millionares. Like on _Punk'd, _it had to be some sort of prank that would cause all different peals of laughter from around the world. I looked around rapidly for something that looked out of place, like a camera or an entire crew of people. Nothing of the sort was seen as I returned the gaze to the famous Mr. Depp.

The tabloids would have a kick out of this one.

"Where is the crew?" I asked with confusion. "And the cameras. Surely you ARE Johnny Depp."

"I don't know where me bloody crew is," he spat with a slight roll of eyes. "And who is this Johnny Depp character I keep getting attacked with. 'ee would never be brave enough to challenge Captain Jack Sparrow, eh?"

I stared at him intently. No, there was no merry joke dancing in the depths of those dark eyes. _Captain Jack Sparrow _I thought, and immediately began to laugh aloud. Surely this man was a bit quirked in the head and obviously had the millions of dollars stuffed in the empty space between his ears.

"What're ye laughin' about, lassie," Jack muttered quietly. 

"Mr. Depp," I said curtly, stifling my laughter by stuffing two balled fists into my mouth. "I believe that all the salt water must have gotten into your head. I don't think that.."

I inhaled another breath as to calm my laughing nerves and look a quick glance towards the end of the hallway. Beatrice, the bothersome waitress was sitting cross-legged on an old, carved bench. She was flipping through a newspaper that had an oddly familiar face in front of it. I exhaled with a slight gasp as realization floated ever so gradually into the depths of my skull. Without saying one word, I practically raced up to the showy waitress and snatched the newspaper from her grubby hands. 

Beatrice looked at me in a frustrated manner and reached for another newspaper in a blue crate underneath the bench as I pushed the double glass doors and raced outside. 

"Wait, Anamaria," Jack called from inside the hallway, and proceeded to walk out of the doors as well. "Not good! Not good.."

I looked at the paper in my hands with a puzzled expression. _Johnny Depp visits girlfriend in France, _it read in little letters on top of an article. Surely, that was not the case since Johnny Depp was right behind me, looking confusedly at the paper in my hands. It was quite clear that he could not read.

__

But France? That was a million miles from where I lived. Surely it was impossible for a fictional character to just _pop _out from a movie screen and appear in random places. Perhaps Johnny Depp had gotten delusional, grabbed his pirate things, hopped on a plane and came to a random little place. Right here.

No, that couldn't be it. Especially since the date of the newspaper was today. It was impossible. Fictional characters are impossible! He was impossible. _Wake up, wake up, _I thought to myself, reciting the words inside my head and blinking rapidly. 

"Love," said a voice from behind me. I heard a subtle click and then felt a cool tip of a pistol as it grazed lightly across my back. "This shot is not meant for you. Explanations, if you please." 

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[Points towards the little purple button] Please? :D Review? :D 


	3. The Accord

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Thank you all so much for reviewing. [Gives a million Captain Jack Sparrow shaped cookies to all] Review please. :] I promise to bribe you in other ways in the near future. 

CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow Kicks Ass: Interesting username. I like it very much. And thank you for your wonderful review. :]

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Sparrow Savvy: I'm glad you like it so far. Not to worry, I will keep going.

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Captain Oblivious: Don't worry, I would have shrieked and freaked out to. That is..after planting kisses all o'er that very cool captain's face and then asking for an autograph. :P

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Indigo Intrigue: I'm glad you find it interesting. :] It was nice chatting with you on AIM for a bit too. 

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Shanelover1: Glad you find it to your liking. :D 

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LittleBlueBlob: [Gives you extra cookie] Happy? ;]

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Erinya: Glad you like it. :D [Yays]

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Incensio **Lady**: Thanks. You WILL see more of this one. :]

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Sweet A.K.: I'm so glad that a lot of people find it interesting. :]

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Celtic elf: [EES] Nothing more then there, eh Sam? 

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-Lip Balm

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I felt the tip of the pistol vibrate subtly as 'Captain Jack Sparrow' coughed into his hand and stared at the back of my head in a manner of impatience. There he was, the almighty Captain Jack Sparrow, standing around impatiently with a pistol pointed at my back. _This wasn't exactly my idea of how I wanted to meet a celebrity. A fictional character wasn't exactly my idea of what kind of celebrity I wanted to meet either. _

"Explanations, love," Jack said again, nudging my back a bit harshly with that God forsaken pistol of his. 

"Mr. Sparrow," I said to a tree, making sure my voice was steady. "I'd be much obliged to tell you where you are and when you are, but frankly, you're not going to believe me."

"I suggest you try," he grumbled in a low tone behind me. I felt the pistol being lowered and wedged back into place on his belt. Yanking my arm, he sat me down in the mulch so that my back was facing the trunk of the tree. "After all, I do have your life in me hands."

Jack took the pistol out again and pointed it threateningly at my head. 

Picking up a dead leaf and letting it fall onto the ground, I said, "You, Mr. Sparrow is currently in America. It is the year 2003 and mindless government idiots have taken over the world. You are sitting next to a lady who does not care what you go ahead and do, and you are threatening her with a pistol that only holds one shot. You are sitting in front of a diner that is overcrowded with drunken, rowdy beings who would soon rather attack you than save you." 

"I don't believe you," Jack said frankly, putting the pistol down once again. A cloud of confusion hovered above his head before he asked, "How did you know about the one shot?"

"Your life is like a book," I said slowly, making sure to choose my words carefully. "A movie, more like."

Jack stared at me for a moment and a half, raising one finger and then dropping it. A confused expression clouded his face once again and he said, "Do ye have a name, love?"

"Elise," I said, pursing my lips. 

"Elise, I have a proposition to make," Jack raised his eyebrows as I rolled my eyes and tapped impatiently on the tree trunk. It was almost midnight and listening to pointless compromises wasn't exactly saving the little time I had left. "Ye take me under yer care, for a bit. Show me 'round, explain a few details and get me back in me own time."

"And what do I get out of it?"

"Ye get the pleasure of bein' with Captain Jack Sparrow, darlin'"

"I don't think that's good enough," I said calmly. There was no way that I was going to help this complete stranger, armed with a gun and a sword, mind you and show him the ropes of recent times. And to get him back to his _time, _was completely impossible. I was just about as clueless as him, and probably more. 

"Yer a stubborn one," Jack slurred. "Feisty. Ye help me around for a bit. An' then you get Captain Jack Sparrow back to his _own time, _as you would say. All by his onesies so he can' get 'is loot and his share of wealth. You can get part of me treasure, and I swear, by the pain of death that you will never see me again. Savvy?"

"One, Mr. Sparrow," I said, staring at the cement sidewalk. "I am already quite aware that it is not treasure you are searching for, but your _Pearl. _Two, I am about as clueless as you are in this whole...predicament. Three, I'd rather drop dead then help you and receive a few petty golden coins." 

Jack winced as he heard the words spill from my mouth, and I saw a painful expression crossing his face as he exclaimed, "Bloody 'ell. Where did ye find all this information--Are ye sure ye're not Anamaria?" 

"Positive, Mr. Sparrow. As for your first question, I think it will be told at the opportune moment." 

There was a moment of silence as Jack Sparrow raised one more finger and blinked rapidly.

"Another proposition, then," he said through a slight strain. "Ye help me around for a bit. An' then you can _try_ to get Captain Jack Sparrow back to his _own time, _as you would say. All by his onesies so he can get 'is loot and _Pearl, _and I swear, by the pain of death that you will never see me again. Else if you do not do this, I will follow ye home and continue to cause _that _look on your face, ye look gorgeous when you're angry by the way, until ye do decide to help me. Savvy?"

I paused for a moment, considering the idea. _Captain Jack Sparrow had popped out from the movie screen, entered into a diner and was currently threatening to stalk me if I didn't try to help him on something that I also had no idea about. Oh yes, there was the whole **the media is on a rampage for Depp**, nonsense and the **He's a bloody pirate and can blow your brains out **bit. _

"I help you around for a while. And I try and get you back to your own time, as I would say. Yes, all by your onesies so that you can use William Turner as your leverage and get your _Pearl _back," I said to him. "I am most certain that you would follow me home like a puppy and whine like one also. I hate puppies. Therefore, I will take you under my wing only for a few…matters of time. As for my side of the bargain, I demand 20% percent of what's on your Black Pearl. Do we have an accord?" 

I wasn't much for treasure, I knew it completely. Money wasn't as important as the virtues I had, but frankly, I knew that Captain Jack Sparrow did care a great deal about his loot. What would I do with a pile of useless 'pirates' money, anyway. I just needed him to understand that I wasn't to be walked over on. I was his wing. That bastard Sparrow's wing. 

Jack stared at me curiously, squinting as his eyes bore into mine. Opening his mouth, he said, "Aye…Do ye have a surname, lass?"

I stared back at the strange man for a few moments, and then finally got up from the mulch and dusted off my jeans. Pointing towards my car, I walked over to the door and entered it. I stuck my head out of the window and cried, "Get in the car, you bilge rat. Else you want to lay marooned on that cement block for three days. I assure you, there is no rum." 

I paused before continuing.

"I shall help you. _Try, _as I will. And I will _try _my very hardest to get you back to your own time. _Doubtful. Impossible. _And completely insane, by the way. I suggest you get into this _roaring carriage _before there is no wing to tuck under anymore." 

"You're a bloody pirate to compromise with," Jack cried out, but edged around the car, attempted to open the handle and hopped in looking quite skeptical. "A bloody, controlling…not good." 

"You are absolutely correct, Mr. Sparrow," I said, as I exited out of the dirty parking lot onto the racing highway. "You are about to experience the most dangerous time of your life. Here in the modern times, there is this thing called a seat belt. I suggest you--

I cut to the aisle at my right and put on my own seatbelt, glancing over at Jack who looked very much engrossed in something at the left of him. 

"And since you know so much," Jack interrupted a smirk, scratching the side of his face and looking towards my direction. He pointed a ring clad finger out of his side of the window and towards a mass of jammed cars, honking and screeching only a few yards away from us. "Then there be our leverage." 

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:] Hm. Review, please. :] 

[Bribes you with Captain Jack Sparrow action figures that say, "I am madly in love with ye." and "But why is the rum gone?" and "…Lovely singing voice. Eunuch." Also comes with a set of batteries, another fresh batch of cookies and a free Jack Sparrow hat. (Jack: That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow's hat. Lip Balm: Get back in the closet!) ]


	4. The Leverage

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Welcome to a new chapter. 

Please keep all arms, legs, heads, hooks and Captain Jack Sparrow super action figures inside the vehicle at all times. Feel free to sample the newest addition to our Jack Sparrow merchandise: A traditional container of Kohl. And yes, Jack Sparrow himself did sample it.

Jack: [Dips finger into Kohl and wipes it over his eyes] 'Ow do I look, lass?

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Lip Balm: Like a mixture between Marilyn Manson and a bruised up orangutan.

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Jack: Sticks and stones, love. [I only say the first three lines because I don't know the rest. Just thought I'd tell you.]

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Lip Balm: However, you are a very HANDSOME orangutan. Many of my reviewers would like to get to know you...Wink. Wink.

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Jack: Would they now? [Curls mustache] Bring them here.

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Lip Balm: You don't need them, mate. Just me. [Thousands of fan girls throw stones at Lip Balm] 

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Jack: No one can resist me charm, ol' gel. No one.

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Lip Balm: But what about the Elise character. She doesn't seem too 'appy with you following' around her like the mangy cad you are.

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Jack: I will woo her in the opportune moment. [NEXT TWO SECONDS] 

Lip Balm 

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A tired looking car swerved slightly to my left, screeching a shrill _honk _as a pale fist jutted out of the shaded windows, one finger protruding from the middle of the hand. I turned around swiftly, laughing as the insolent man or woman in the car shot an obscene hand gesture towards my direction. Next time I would keep my eyes on the road and not in the mass of cars next to me. I veered to the lane on the far right and parked abruptly, resulting in Jack banging his forehead on the window next to him. 

"Bloody 'ell, woman," Jack cried out, rubbing his forehead feverishly. He opened his mouth to speak. 

"Stay in the car," I said swiftly, interrupting him, which clearly was not the way he had planned to finish his sentence. Opening the door, I stepped outside, boots scraping along the pavement. Sure enough, there he was…William Turner, a spittin' image of Orlando Bloom himself. Dark hair, long eyelashes…blah blah blah. I had heard it all. 

"You," I shouted from far away. More cars were accumulating in the road as the traffic grew worse. I walked onward, looking behind me to see a disgruntled looking Jack Sparrow smile snidely in my direction, muttering. I could make out a few words. _Bitch. Strumpet. Pirates code. _

I squeezed in between two cars, the inhabitants looking quite frustrated but intently aware. Yes, two middle aged women who were obviously a fan of _dear eunuch boy. _ Policemen crowded around the man, attempting to handcuff him as William Turner bucked wildly against them. Seeing as how nothing worked, he drew a sword and pointed it threateningly at the two officers. The policemen edged away, taking out their guns and aiming at "Orlando". 

"Mr. Bloom," one man said nervously. He was a skinny fellow, pale and sounded quite nervous. Perhaps he was new on the job. "Drop your weapon."

A woman cried out inside her car, waving her hands frantically, almost bursting into tears. I rolled my eyes as I walked over to "Orlando", and urged him to put his sword down. 

"Put your damn sword down," I hissed. "**Captain **Jack's waiting in my car. If you want your dear Elizabeth, I suggest you lower your weapon before you get your bloody brains blown out." 

I grabbed him swiftly by his arm, practically dragging him towards my car. The officers raised their eyebrows, but merely shrugged, obviously worn out from the days work. 

I was not going to waste my time negotiating with some doughnut eating officers. I was going to get this whole bogus **time travel/treasure/love story **mess over with as fast as I could. And by fast, I meant in the next day. Preferably within the next hour. But that was unlikely. **Damn bloody pirate. Damn him. DAMN HIM. Why did I agree to agree to this anyhow. Damn pirate.**

"Miss?" Will said, walking in large strides next to me. He walked elegantly, breathing at exactly the same moments. Breathe. Step. Breathe. Step. Breathe. Step. So Jack was right, William Turner was a eunuch. "You don't happen to be a pirate, do you?"

"No," I snapped. "Let me take a _wild _guess, I resemble an Anamaria, you know of?"

"It's quite perplexing, actually," he said, still calm. "You look almost identical to her." He hesitated before asking another question. "Where are we?" 

"In the opportune moment," I said, tired of hearing the words from his mouth. I turned around swiftly, making sure that no one was following the two of us. **Orlando Bloom was quite the attraction these days. **And those girls could sniff him out like a canine. Those bitches. **[No offense to ANYONE. This is ELISE talking. Not me.] **The coast was clear.

Upon reaching my car, I swung the back door open wide as it could go and in walked a confused looking Will. He gave me a puzzled glance before running a hand over the leathery covering over my seats. I opened my own door, stepping in and starting the car. Will gave a quick jump. He was twitchy, alright. 

"Eunuch lad," Jack acknowledged. There was a slight pause before he opened his mouth to speak.

"Don't say it," I said with a sigh, driving down the road towards my house. "Rum, you want rum." 

"Aye, lassie," Jack said with a roguish grin, and then turned out of the window once more. "Where to now?"

"My humble abode, Mr. Sparrow," I said slowly, looking in my rearview mirror to see Will staring off into the distance, muttering little nothings. 

I heard snipets _Elizabeth, pirate _and _Swann_. Perhaps I was mad. I had two well known men in my car, sitting quietly and all muttering. Perhaps they were all talking inside my head. Perhaps I was…insane. Yes, that's right. Insane. And I was going to kick them out of my car right this instant and announce to the world that I heard voices. But frankly, losing my marbles was not the appropriate thing to say whilst sitting in a car with two armed men.

"I think we will encounter a rather shocking truth to be told there," I said swiftly, erasing the thoughts from my head. I most certainly was not mad. If anyone was mad, it was Jack Sparrow. That damn daft man. 

"Oh good," Jack slurred royally, looking from his window towards my direction. "I love surprises…Drinks all around." 

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Tune in next time to receive your free sample of [muffled incoherent babbling].

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Jack: [Hands out kohl] There, there, don't cry now. I'll be in the next chapter. Aye, Lip Balm is forcin' me to say this. Please review and I'll give you love.

Girls: :REALLY?!

Jack: Yes. [Hands out more kohl] She forced me to say that too.

Girls: AN ACCORD. DO WE HAVE AN ACCORD?

Jack: Aye, lassies. Bring the rum. 


	5. The Fickle Computer

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Hello again. Lip Balm speaking. Today I introduce you to a new chapter of _Not Johnny. _

Jack: Ooh…goody. Elise is one mad woman. Why do all the pretty ones gotter be a damn smart ass? Yeh..all the gorgeous ones have a smack 'arder than a ton o' bricks. 

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Lip Balm: [Nudges Jack] I think you're a pretty one. ..and you don't seem to be a smart ass to me.

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Jack: Really? I know I'm gorgeous, lass, but I be as sharp as me sword. 

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Lip Balm: No. You're just a mangy bilge rat…who can't make a rats ass on what's right or wrong. Daft, really. But pretty all the same. 

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Jack: Mm. Pudding. 

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Lip Balm: Pudding…which leads me to introduce you to your new Jack merchandise. It is a brand spankin' new corvette.

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Jack: Corvette? I once tied a girl named Corvette onto my bed and..

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Lip Balm: NO. NOT CORVETTE. I mean..a snippet of the Black Sails from the _Pearl._

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Jack: SO IT WAS YOU. YOU RIPPED UP ME SAILS.

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Lip Balm: Sorry Jack, I won't be your leverage. I mean..I like black sails. And we girls get what we want. And we want you….your black sails. 

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Jack: Okay, fair enough. Speakin' of that Eunuch Boy, where he be?

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Will: I'M RIGHT HERE. [Swings from a rope and shakes arse in everyone's face] 

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Jack: o_0;

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Lip Balm: o_0;

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Elizabeth: o_0;

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Barbossa: o_0;

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Monkey: o_0; 

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Elise: o_0;

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Gibbs: o_0; 

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Bob the Tomato: o_0;

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George Bush: o_0;

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Fan girls: O_O_O_O_O_O; [DROOL] 

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Dr. Evil: Rooiiight. Onto the "laser"…I meant, "Story". 

Lip Balm 

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A few silver keys jangled in my hand as I stuck them roughly into the lock and twisted the grating door open. Jack and Will stood behind me, looking incredulous and quite confused. Explanations were in order. I stepped inside, taking off my boots with one hand and hopping up a series of creaky stairs. 

"You can come in," I said slowly, looking down at the befuddled looking men. I stared at the two and almost rolled my eyes in exasperation. The two did not step one foot into the frame of my door, as if they were afraid of _little old me. _

"Aye, so you can bind me up with rope and shoot me temple?" Jack asked, pulling out his own pistol once more. 

I rolled my eyes this time. "Here's the deal, Mr. Sparrow. You agreed to the _proposition. _You dragged Mr. Turner, over there into it, and now you're not going to take a step into my own home. I'm harmless, I swear of it. But the truth is, I'd rather **not **be helping, than doing so. So if you will, enter or farewell." 

Jack and Will entered, and followed suit, eyebrows raised and lips twisted into a bunch at the sides of their face. I reached over to a cold wall and flipped on the light switch, a blinding yellow light jumping out from the corner of a room. 

Jack and Will both jumped a few feet and cried out. 

"E-lec-tric-ity," I said slowly, pointing to the large lamp in the crook of a cramped living room. "E-lec-tric-ity. In modern times, we use it to light up our rooms. Like candles.." 

"Erectability?" Jack asked, puzzled, taking off his hat and tucking it between his belt and abdomen. "Ye don't happen to have a regular ol' candle lyin' about, now do you? That light is blindin' me." I turned off the light and heard a sigh. "That be better, love." 

"Close enough, no I don't and I already have," I said, knitting my eyebrows and settling myself in front of an old computer. "No candles, but I have a few matches." I opened the drawer and took out a few matches I had stolen from a nearby inn. I waved them in front of Jack's face, who stared plainly and lifted up one finger. 

"No candles, eh?" Jack asked in a bored tone. "Then why do ye have matches?"

"To burn rum." I grinned, tucking the matches into my pocket and turning on my computer. It was a cursed old thing, probably one of the first to be made. Internet was always lagging, it froze every 5 seconds and it had the tendency to shoot sparks in all directions when I hit it. Will stared at the glowing screen and jumped when he heard little beeps coming from the speakers. _That boy sure was jumpy. He didn't seem so jumpy in the screen…Oh yeah. He just got sucked into a whole freakin' new world and is trying to adjust. Why isn't Jack afraid. He's daft, that man. _I looked over to Jack, who looked at me back in disgust, obviously thinking about his precious rum being burned to little nothings.

About 20 minutes later, I finally logged onto the computer and went to the Pirates main website. It took another 10 minutes and lots of flickering lights for it to load properly. Finally, the screen began to set and the face of Captain Jack Sparrow charged onto the flashing screen. As it loaded from top to bottom, I slowly noticed the little delicate features of Jack Sparrow. On the computer screen, of course, not when he was being the little smart ass like he was in _real life. _After this sudden realization, I pinched myself hard, making sure I wasn't having some sort of nightmare. 

The red bandana wrapped around his head was pulled tight across his forehead. It was stained slightly from dirt and dust. A pair of dark eyes, lined with kohl as it were today. A long, sleek nose and pouty lips. Trinkets and knick knacks were tied around in little knots in his hair, which was long and dark. I bet it smelled like the sea. 

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Damn. Now I knew what my friends were always going about. Damn. They won't suck me in. They won't suck me in. They won't suck me in…

I heard two gasps behind me as the picture loaded fully.

"Why, that be me own face…" There was a slight pause. "What a bloody handsome fellow."

"What do you call that…"

"A computer, Mr. Turner.." I said swiftly. "You use it to write articles about the government, look up information on your enemies or help pirates enter back into their own world."

"You mean… pirate. There is only one barbarian in this room.." the voice was louder and stronger than it was before. Obviously the eunuch boy had thought a lot on this subject. 

I ignored him and clicked onto **pirates movie go **and waited for the page to load. _Loading cannons, mate _appeared on a screen of black. Finally, the home page loaded, showing a picture of wrinkly man holding a skull. Barbossa. A pretty woman with white skin and a golden necklace. Elizabeth. The handsome man with the kohl traced eyes. Jack And the brown haired man with a _pretty boy _look. Will.

"Yer the devil," Jack said in an awed voice behind me. "Startin' fires without matches. Makin' rocks aglow. Creatin' all sorts of pictures form in front of me own eyes. All the gorgeous ones are evil." He rubbed the side of his cheek, as if remembering a certain event with a few certain gorgeous women. 

I ignored that remark also, taking a quick look around to see Will Turner sitting quite tense in a squashy couch and a roguish looking Jack looking at the screen in front of me. _When did he not look roguish?_

"Lad," Jack said. "Ye be on the screen too." 

Will walked over to the screen, looked swiftly to his own picture and laid a hand on Elizabeth's face. As if he had no fear of the glowing computer, he said,. "When are we going to save her?"

I hesitated before answering. "It could take weeks, years, decades, centuries…I haven't a clue on how to get sucked into the bloody past, damn it. Or even how you two got here in the first place… Damn it."

"Well, I was just.." Jack began and then placed a hand on his chin. 

"Forget it," I interrupted as an angry looking Jack cast a look of poison towards my direction. "I'll tell you first. Have you ever seen a play?"

"I may be a blacksmith, Miss." Will said calmly. "But I am most certainly not an uncivilized man. Like him.." He jerked a thumb towards Jack, who was currently nicking a few pennies from the TV to my right. 

"Well…a _movie _is almost like a play. The characters aren't real..and they are played by actors. You…" I stopped, noting on the befuddled looks on both the men's faces. Jack opened his mouth to speak once more. "Forget it….I'll just show you."

I clicked on _preview and clips, _turning the screen so that both of them may view the tiny little box. Figures jumped out from the tiny square, as Jack and Will saw themselves moving in action on the screen once more. The clash of swords sounded and a monkey holding a medallion appeared, as Jack and Will drew back in horrification. The screen subsided into a dull black, and then back onto the main website. 

"So.." Jack said, calamity obviously strained in his voice. "That's be our future?"

"No," I said. "Yes..in a way. But, Mr. Sparrow..Mr. Turner…I think that future is going to be very different from the little clip you saw on the screen."

"Right," Will said, as if he understood. 

"Okay, you can tell me your damn stories now.." 

"As I was sayin' before I got so obnoxiously interrupted," Jack said with a look of delight. It was evident that he loved stories. In other words, he was going to exaggerate and dance around the room like a mad man. "A handsome bloody bloke by the names of Captain Jack Sparrow.."

"Hold on a second," I said, interrupting again and turning to my computer which froze into a bottomless black pit within a few seconds. I clicked the off button and turned it on once more. Nothing. Bottomless black pit. A few flickers of light appeared from next to the on button, and then the website of Pirates appeared. And then died again in a slow motion. 

Lifting my hand, I brought it down hard onto the screen, causing sparks to fly out from the wires behind it. Fire danced merrily in tiny flames on the already dirt covered carpet, as Will began to stomp on them to put them out. They burned out, leaving scorched marks on the carpet and a few ashes. 

"Damn," I said, not looking up. "Them sparks was always a fire haz-"

And then everything went **black. **

---

****

I opened my eyes to the seeping sunlight from between my eyelids. Groaning, I sat up from the soft sand on which I was sprawled on and looked around. It wasn't at all surprising when I saw that the settings had changed. It was sunny outside, the sky a perfect blue and gently tides of ocean water lapped at the tips of my feet. 

This was a damn horror movie.

---

Lip Balm: Thank you, review and come again.

****

Jack: YARR. Don't forget yer snippets o' me precious sails.

****

Lip Balm: Yes, and you each get a kiss..

****

Fan girls: ON THE LIPS?! :O :O :O

****

Lip Balm: Sure. [Takes out basket of Hershey Kiss chocolates and grins] Sorry, mates. But all the kisses are saved for me..and Elise. Maybe. If she doesn't kill him for layin' a hand on her.

****

Jack: YOU MEAN I GET TO LAY A HAND ON HER? [Drool]

****

Lip Balm: Pathetic, ain't it? Yes..yes. In a later time. MUCH later.

****

Jack: Oh. Oh well…don't forget yer reviews. And here [Hands one snippet of his sails to a fan girl who faints] …take the chocolate and sails and bloody leave. 


End file.
